You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.
Content warning: anxiety, panic, depression
An uncomfortable weight settles over my shoulders. My chest feels tight. Tears prick at my eyes.
Today is January 9th. It will probably be a different day by the time I post this.
Anxiety sucks. I had a long day at my internship. I was tired, but I knew if I went back to my dorm, I wouldn’t leave until Sunday.
Depression also sucks.
So, I went out with my friends.
FOMO kicks me in the butt again.
While hanging out with my friends, the anxiety sets in. The panic. The feeling of being completely alone.
I’m not super close to these friends. Sometimes it feels like they are all friends — and I’m just the girl who shows up sometimes. Actually, scratch that. That’s exactly how it is.
But I had a revelation over winter break.
This break, I went and hung out with my high school friends, and I noticed something. I didn’t have a panic attack. I didn’t feel like an outsider. I didn’t feel abandoned during conversations. I was happy to sit there and just listen.
I don’t know if this means I have bad college friends, or if I just put too much pressure on group friendships. I think part of it comes from my grandparents, who had amazing college friends — the kind that last a lifetime.
But I don’t think college is that for me.
I’m not best friends with anyone at college — anyone I didn’t already know from home. But my high school friends? It feels like I never left.
So maybe I don’t need to pressure this friend group so much. Maybe I don’t need to panic every time I hang out. Maybe I just need to remember that these people aren’t my people — and that’s okay.
Your people are whoever knows you best. Whoever feels safe. Even if they’re from high school.
Basically, I probably peaked in high school. And honestly? I’m finally becoming okay with that.
Because even if college wasn’t everything I thought it would be, that doesn’t mean I failed. Maybe I’m just built different.
Basically… I can’t wait to move back home ❤️
If this resonates with you, you are not alone.
Best, Audrey 🤍
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